Myspace...
I have been hanging out on my myspace page again.
I have revamped mymyspace.com/methasocialdisease to my personal page.
adding back some of my friends i dumped when i left a few months back.
feels kinda good
i have all of my hand surgery photos listed there and updates.
life is treating me well right now, regardless of the ups and downs.
updates later...or visit my myspace page.
"Little Motel"
I hope that you like it in your little motel
And I hope that the suite sleeps and suits you well
Well I can see it as time and a sight through smell and
Thats why its nice to be by yourself
Cause thats what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for, aren't I?
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for darlin'
We treat mishaps like sinking ships and I know that I don't want to be out to drift
Well I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and
They both tell me that we're better than this
Cause thats what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for, aren't I?
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for darlin'
We trade tit for tat like that for this
And I don't think that there was an insult that was missed
I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips andI'm very sorry
Cause thats what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for, aren't I?
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for
That's what I'm waiting for darlin'
It rained and its over a shooting star
Landed directly on our broke down little car
We fold and we had made a wish
That we would be missedIf one another just did not exist
Cause thats what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting on, aren't we?
That's what we're waiting forThat's what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting for darlin'
That's what we're waiting for
That's what we're waiting for
~M.M.
Will I be missed?
Surgery tomorrow
The day is finally here and I am less than ready to deal with it.
I am alone and have to get the help where ever it comes from. I have to be at the hospital at 6:15. My Mom is coming out to get me and the kids at 5:30. I am supposed to take them to my Dad's house in the morning. My oldest daughter just got back from being with them for three days and she is less than enthusiastic to go back over. Actually she was fuckin rude tonight when I went to pick her up. I dont think she should see them until she apologizes.
So because of her attitude my step mom asked when I would be back by to get them since I said the surgery is relatively short. By ten she says. No probably not. Oh that is right I should just go home make lunch while I am on pain killers.
Whatever I am so frustrated. My dryer is broken still. I have no clotheslines. I tried to make one tonight but it will only hold panties.
Fuck i cant write anymore. Fuck this all.
Letting the people who aren't good for you go
It is so hard for me to read a friend of mine write that she would remotely consider remaining in a marriage which has been traumatizing for her well being. It kills me that I have been so distant to not only myself but her. I rarely make the effort any more to socialize. I don't want to trust anyone or have to explain what I cannot even explain to myself. So I withdrawal. I opened a myspace page back up as a means to recover from my previous experience. With doing that and adding my friends back I am forcing myself to socialize again. Obnoxious comments, chit chat and entertainment. There it was a blog from her expressing the ups and downs and contemplation if it is worth trying again. It made me sick. Where have I been? Not talking to her obviously. Caught up in my own bullshit that I cant ever pull my head out of my ass.
I feel awful, which if you haven't noticed I am rather good at doing.
Anyone else want to join the beat Julie down club? We have a waiting list right now. Everyone gets a turn.
Anyways...I guess it isn't my job to babysit my friends. But am I really her friend anymore? Did I leave her behind as Jenn left me?
I am there for you when you need me.
Lessons Learned from Life
Life is a unique experience for every single person. Everyone has their own memories, their own perspective, and their own take on the world. While much of life can only be experienced, below are a few lessons that seem to stand true in a majority of people's lives.
In Yourself
You shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.
It takes a long time to become the person you want to be.
Either you control your attitude or it controls you.
It isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
Your background and circumstances may have influenced who you are, but you are responsible for who you become.
Credentials on the wall do not make a decent human being.
In Relationships
You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
No matter how much you care, some people just don't care back.
It takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it.
It's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
True friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.
Just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
You should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
The people you care most about in life are always taken from you too soon.
Even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
In Life
You can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
Heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
Sometimes when you're angry, you have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give you the right to be cruel.
No matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
You shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see completely different things.
No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
Your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
It's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.
You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
The Lessons
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Spend as much time as possible with the ones you love.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you've had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into guilt and pout…run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
This is what I need to read and remind myself of everyday. Every single day. I have to find a way to get out of this and move down a new path. I am not going to be able to say my piece on some of the internal issues going on in my life. I have to find a way to be at peace with that fact.
~Julie
I read this today and thought...I better keep reading and maybe I can crawl out of this abyss
My therapist compared depression to a little person sitting on your shoulder whispering evil, negative thoughts in your ear. And then he told me, "Don't let the b*tch win." I just realized that she came close to winning again. I did not recieve replies on some of my answers. The evil little b*tch sitting on my shoulder started saying "Thats because they hate you. You are a loser and don't help anyone at all. You should just stop contributing."
Its so easy to get caught in that trap again. I'm sorry that I let myself fall into the hole (another therapist analogy-he's full of them, but they work!) but I'm Proud of myself for climbing back out. I think this will always be a struggle for me. But I think that may become my mantra "don't let the b*tch win."
Jeremy and I spent a lot of time talking about me. What is going on with me. I am different, he notices as well. It is hard to talk about openly so I am not going to get into details. I was starting to fall sometime around the beginning of May. I yearned to have companionship, which I had found the year prior. As I get going down the companionship disappeared and I hit hard. It reminds me of being a teenager and a situation that ocurred during those years. When nothing made sense, nothing could be rationalized and I caused injuries on myself to feel anything other than emotional pain. So here I am struggling to get through something that should have been easier for me.
But it isnt. I hate the unknown, I hate not knowing why, the truth, being able to express myself, and having to keep it all in out of shame.
I hate this so much.
With all my heart I hate this.
With all my tears I am shedding I hate this.
I hate keeping it all in.
I hate being a single mom trying so hard to be a decent mom.
I hate being overwhelmed and scared, and to know that I am alone.
I am having surgery on friday and I am alone.
My house doesnt feel ready for me to broken and unable to deal with it.
My job isnt ready for me to leave the mess I am going to have to come back to because no one else knows how to do my job.
I just want to go and go and leave and never come back.
NEVER
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