I read this today and thought...I better keep reading and maybe I can crawl out of this abyss

My therapist compared depression to a little person sitting on your shoulder whispering evil, negative thoughts in your ear. And then he told me, "Don't let the b*tch win." I just realized that she came close to winning again. I did not recieve replies on some of my answers. The evil little b*tch sitting on my shoulder started saying "Thats because they hate you. You are a loser and don't help anyone at all. You should just stop contributing."
Its so easy to get caught in that trap again. I'm sorry that I let myself fall into the hole (another therapist analogy-he's full of them, but they work!) but I'm Proud of myself for climbing back out. I think this will always be a struggle for me. But I think that may become my mantra "don't let the b*tch win."


Jeremy and I spent a lot of time talking about me. What is going on with me. I am different, he notices as well. It is hard to talk about openly so I am not going to get into details. I was starting to fall sometime around the beginning of May. I yearned to have companionship, which I had found the year prior. As I get going down the companionship disappeared and I hit hard. It reminds me of being a teenager and a situation that ocurred during those years. When nothing made sense, nothing could be rationalized and I caused injuries on myself to feel anything other than emotional pain. So here I am struggling to get through something that should have been easier for me.
But it isnt. I hate the unknown, I hate not knowing why, the truth, being able to express myself, and having to keep it all in out of shame.
I hate this so much.
With all my heart I hate this.
With all my tears I am shedding I hate this.
I hate keeping it all in.
I hate being a single mom trying so hard to be a decent mom.
I hate being overwhelmed and scared, and to know that I am alone.
I am having surgery on friday and I am alone.
My house doesnt feel ready for me to broken and unable to deal with it.
My job isnt ready for me to leave the mess I am going to have to come back to because no one else knows how to do my job.
I just want to go and go and leave and never come back.
NEVER